Life right now.
Life is exciting now. Nothing like I’ve ever imagined before. I am staying independently at a different city. Working hard, paying bills, living the life I’ve always wanted. All of a sudden I have started learning real life lessons. Initially, it felt like somebody has thrown me into the ocean and I don’t know how to swim. But I refused to drown. So somehow I managed to stay afloat.
When you live alone you are your dad, mom, sibling, literally your entire family. It’s hard to manage it all alone but you feel a sense of pride that you are doing it anyway. But even that pride is not enough to fill the void that has been created when you left your parent to start your new life.
It hits hard mostly when you are sick. Even when you have 104 Farenheight fever, You are gonna be the one who has to get up and get yourself medicine.
When I moved out and started living on my own, I finally got face to face with real life, Now it was me against the world. Your family will always be there to support you, but out of ego, you wouldn’t tell them even if you were dying. So, talking about what’s on your mind, doesn’t even show up in the picture. And when I left my city I lost my small circle of friends too. I had very few people (sensible people) to talk to.
I was facing countless challenges. And I’m not talking about missing home. Initially, I was struggling with my job. It was as if someone has thrown me into the ocean and I’m drowning in it. And balancing health with job was even more difficult. Plus I had to figure out a way to complete my graduation. I was also doubtful about the company, was having thoughts of changing it, but was unsure whether that’s the right decision. Apart from that there were various other dilemas within me. I was in a very unstable situation in my life. My body craved for nothing more than stability. I just wanted my life to be magically fixed and my mind to be clear as water, just as it was. It went on for weeks, I used to come back home from work with that empty feeling inside my chest. During these times crying or shouting for hours also dosen’t help. I realised I need to talk to someone. I did. But they can only help so far. I came to the conclusion that all I can do is to give it time.
I changed my approach of looking at things. I decided to break some rules, because at that moment that is what felt right.
So, yeah I got a fake ID, went to the club and partied all night. Initially, didn’t enjoy it, but soon enough I got the hang of it. And it felt fun.
Luckily, I met a person, who was just the person I needed at that point of time.
Naturally, your body craves for a distraction. I was looking for someone, in whom I can confine. I started dating this guy, everything felt perfect but there was this tiny voice inside of me that said “I’m dating him out of need, not love”. Ultimately I gave in to that voice because I realised it would have been selfish of me to continue this relationship as it has no base. We broke up. But this person changed my outlook towards life. It felt like, the haze that had covered up my eyes was somehow cleared up.
Now I know what my next step is going to be.
So, the bottom line is sometimes you gotta get lost to find yourself again.
