Raw Existence: Humanity in its raw form
Yes, I know it’s easy to love a woman in her youth and a man in his prime. But have you ever taken time out to wonder what goes inside the minds of these souls? Doesn’t it just gross them out sometimes, because the reason they are getting so much (temporary)attention is because of something they have and not because of something they are. I am the kind of person who has started from point zero. So, yes I was not born pretty. The money that I had was not my own, it was my father’s, I never considered it mine, still don’t. Yes, being born was not my choice. So some might say I am somehow entitled to all their wealth? But how much of it. Do adults work hard all their life to endow every penny in the name of their children till the time they’re completely drained and have nothing but an aching soul? Or am I entitled to nothing, and being brought to this world a favour in itself? But because I started from point zero I am aware of both forms of treatment that the world gives you-one, when you have nothing, and two, when you have everything.
WHO AM I?
Am I a flight attendant living a fancy lifestyle? Am I just a pretty girl next door? Or am I a regular student getting a sociology degree? Am I a writer who can calibrate her soul and put it down on a piece of paper? Am I the money I earn or the body I’ve built?
Well, who would I be then when my skin sags down and gets wrinkled? Or if tomorrow I lose all my money or maybe the job I worked so hard to get?
So how do I let such fickle things define me?
All I know is that I love hard, so hard that I let it consume me emotionally, intellectually, physically and spiritually. I put all my trust onto it. So, if that thing I love asks me to walk over fire, I might as well do that without a second thought. And all I fear at that point of time is letting down the thing I love so much. It paralyses me; it makes me feel as if a blanket of darkness has overcome me or that I have fallen into a dark pit of despair and that light is nowhere to be seen. Yes, I have a problem, and this is it.
I guess the thought of people judging me on the basis of these shallow materialistic realities has always haunted me. Because eventually it’ll all be gone, if not today but tomorrow. These are the things I have accumulated over time. It’s something that the universe has lent me, none of it is mine or should I say, none of it is me. And partly, because maybe I am not fully aware of who I am and what I am capable of. That’s why I have made it my life’s motto to find out who I truly am and present it to the people I care about and ask them whether they’ll still choose to be with me knowing what they know, cause yea, that’s the real me. Because out of all the things that I can pretend to be, I can’t be a fake. A part of me sort of resents it makes it hard for me to breathe.
LOVE
I often wonder when people confess their feelings and say they love each other, what do they even mean? Do they mean to say, they love how they look? Or they love each other because they see each other as a provider of some sort of commodity(money, comfort,etc.)
Love has a different meaning for everyone it seems. For some it’s the beginning of a relationship that they think will work out, for others it’s a closure to conclude a great relationship and take the next great step. Some say it with words, some show it through action. But all I know is that it’s an intense feeling that needs expression and can’t be kept hidden.
DETACHMENT
Being a flight attendant has taught me a lot of things. But the most important lesson of all has been the lesson of detachment. I have been to places and experienced splendor, but my favourite moments are the ones that I might say can be labeled as not-so-fancy ones. It’s when me and my colleagues went out to get burgers from a gas station in our pajamas in Dubai, and not so much when I saw the tallest building in the world for the first time. Or that time when I went out alone to explore the eerily majestic forts of Rajasthan. Or sitting by that unexplored beach in Jeddah, listening to the rustling waves while the sun was slowly setting with its golden hue. In these moments, I truly was my happiest self. These are some of the memories that I might get as a flashback when I am on my deathbed. At that moment all I wanted was to save the time in a glass bottle and take it along with me. All I craved for, deep inside my heart was for the clock to just stop. I silently also hoped for death to knock at my door, because I would have happily leaned into its arms and given myself up, because in that moment, everything felt perfect. But just like any other memory, it lies in the past now. The clock didn’t stop, and my heart continued to beat. But there was an aching resistance and a bitter realisation that no matter how much I like something, and want to keep it to myself, I can’t, cause none of it is mine. The universe lended those good moments to me to experience it for the time being. Sounds sad, doesn’t it? But look on the bright side, just like the good days the hard ones are also not yours. It’s just a momentary experience, and just like any other moment it will inevitably pass away, whether you want it to or not.
It taught me to love hard, smile brighter than ever, to lead a loud existence without being stuck in the loop of ‘what will others think?’. Living in the present is not about indulging in temporary pleasures, but the ability to respond to your current scenario without getting distracted by the effects of its outcome. Because the outcome is something beyond your control but the actions that you take today are 100% in your own hands.
